Hopelessness

Disappointment, Malcontent, Dissatisfaction, Frustration, Letdown, Disgruntle, Aggrieved, Despair, and Dismay… What was I hoping for or expecting that didn’t happen? 

I remember where I first lost my hope…I was working as a 5th grade teacher in an extremely challenging school. My custodian was cleaning my room and we were chatting. I told her that I would not return the following year. She said, “You’ve lost your light.” What a perfect way to describe what I was feeling. I have really high expectations for myself and for others. My students were all below fifth grade level and I had minimal parental support. Education was not the priority for the majority of the families in my classroom and I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. It became too much. I walked away. 

As I have been exploring the possibilities of my life, I realize that I have placed my hope in what “I” thought should be happening. My hope was in the circumstances that I designed and tried to create. I built my hope on a house of cards and when one card was moved, they all came tumbling down. No wonder I have felt hopeless…My hope was in the wrong thing. Psalm 62:5 says, “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.” Hello…my hope should be in God!!!! “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” Psalm 25:5. 

So join me in this search for hope…

In who or what do you place your hope?

An Excavation

What will you find when you start digging? 

It has been eye opening and a bit unsettling to have who you are, deep down, revealed to you (exposed if you will). As I have been building a sincere, authentic relationship with God, I have been reading and listening to the Bible. I am learning about a loving God as well as a God who doesn’t stand for foolishness. I have been figuring out what I am supposed to be doing and how I am supposed to be living based on His word. So when you turn the lens inward and really focus on yourself through His word, an excavation occurs. I have been focusing on me and only me, not looking around at what others are doing or saying. Galatians 5:22-23 says, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” WHEW! OMG…do I have a lot to work on! You mean I can’t hold a grudge and I have to actually forgive someone or I won’t go to Heaven? WHAT!!

How do I begin to change the fruit growing on the tree of my life? If I have proclaimed Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior and I say that I am filled with the Holy Spirit, my life should exhibit this fruit. Right? I should be a walking billboard for Jesus. When others see me, they should see God’s light shining through me. I have determined that I need to actually DO this and not just read it. For me, some of this fruit is more difficult to bear than others. But I am committed to this journey!

Throughout this exploration of unlimited possibilities, I have been focusing on my relationship with God and how I can change so the right fruit is displayed. When my roots are exposed…they are not pretty. They have not led to good fruit. I need to be a better Christian, wife, daughter, friend, coworker, and overall human-being. I am now ready to accept God’s seeds! I have discovered a few things about what I am planting…

1. It is a CHOICE – every day and every minute
2. I have to make time to pray and do it continually
3. Prayer is powerful and it changes things
4. The STRUGGLE is REAL!
5. I enjoy my time alone with God as well as being in community with others
6. I enjoy serving others
7. Words have power
8. I need to watch my mouth – life and death is in the tongue
9. My prayers are just a conversation with my Father. Max Lucado says that “prayer is not a privilege for the pious nor the art of a chosen few. Prayer is simply a heartfelt conversation between God and his child.”

I am taking great pleasure in the time I am spending communing with God. As I continue to read God’s word and pray, my faith will increase and deepen. My words, actions and deeds will be ‘LIKE GOD’ and my fruit will be ripe and ready for others.

What fruit hangs from your tree?

The Difference…

When you see someone that you have known for a long time, do they notice a difference?

I was fortunate enough to attend a ‘Bible Journaling Class’ at the local Christian bookstore this week. I invited a few people and two ‘old’ (long time not age) friends that I hadn’t seen for a while actually showed up. As we sat there participating in the tasks, we were chatting and making new friends at the table. We had community items that had to be passed along and shared by everyone. I continually picked up every item that was placed on the table by the facilitator and added them to my journal. Both of my friends would look up from their journal and ask me periodically where I got an item from. They were so engrossed in the task that they missed a few items. I however, was collecting each piece as the facilitator placed them on the table (many times being first to grab the item). They made comments about me getting the items so I would ask the folks at the other end to pass them back down to us. As we chatted, I found myself saying, “I am working on being different in my old age” or ‘I am different now.” After a few more misses and me saying that I was different, I started interrupting them and showing them the pieces and allowing them to select what they wanted before I selected mine and then put them in the middle of the table.

So this may not seem like a big deal…but as I sit here waiting…I realize that I can’t just SAY I am different, MY ACTIONS have to PROVE that I am different. I am a selfish person by nature, I was raised as an only child and I NEVER had to share my stuff with others. I am used to going after what I want and getting it.  But as I continue exploring the possibilities that God has for my life, I realize that I have to move beyond self and get in relationship with others. I can’t “merely listen to the word, and so deceive myself. I must actually DO WHAT IT SAYS” (paraphrase James 1:22).

I need to first be in relationship with God (which I am doing daily) and then be in relationship with others. So I have started stepping out and allowing people in my circle. I never really talked to strangers before and my “friend cup” was always full. But now I am interacting with people, even hugging (no more stay out of mybubble). I am adding friends to my Facebook page and socializing with people that I don’t know. I am embracing the changes in myself and striving daily to be a walking billboard for Jesus in my actions and my words. Only God can create a new me!

Ephesians 4:21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

 

Are you the same person?  Can anyone tell that you are different?

Disconnected?

 Disconnected: “Cell phone Free Exploration”

My name is Rewa and I do NOT have a cell phone!

I am 45 days cell phone free (I hear your gasps from around the world)! When I quit my job (Installment #2), I had to return my technology to the company. So no more laptop or cell phone. Since I am currently unemployed, I told my husband that the added expense was unnecessary (such fiscal responsibility on my part). We have a house phone (although we had no idea of the number) and I would use it.

This is how a house phone works when I am unavailable:

1. The phone rings
2. The answering machine picks up
3. The caller leaves a message
4. When I am available, I return the call.

The steps I shared are for the folks who ‘gasped’ at my admission and wonder “how in the world” I am living without a cell phone (especially YOU mom). Not being available at every possible moment for every possible thing is frightening for most people. But I invite you to try it, in small doses of course. Maybe cut it off after a certain time at night or have a cell phone free zone when you are with friends or family. Don’t be afraid – start with 15 minutes! 🙂

While on this ‘cell phone free exploration’ I have learned a few things about myself.

• I enjoy quiet time
• I am present in the moment
• I attend to people when I am with them and I feel very connected to them (when they aren’t on their cell phone)
• I attend to tasks and I am not distracted
• I am creating memories in my heart & mind instead of documenting every moment with my phone
• I am having conversations with God and reading his word more frequently
• I am cheap!
• I am happy that a stalker can’t find and kill me and ‘Big Brother’ doesn’t have a clue what I am doing!

When I consider the connection I am making with God and the relationships that I am building and maintaining with others, it wraps my mind in a blanket of calm & peace. I am sitting still without any distractions…WAITING…

Are you able to disconnect?

Control

Sing along with me in your Janet Jackson voice… 🎶🎙 “Got my own mind – Wanna make my own decisions – When it has to do with my life, my life,  -I wanna be the one in control” 🎶

I have been publicly sharing my journey on this blog for about 2 months (thanks for joining me). I have been waiting and praying and singing and praying and reading and praying and praying and praying. Well for about 12 minutes…I crashed and burned and became GRIPPED by fear. I had what I will call ‘MELTDOWN MONDAY’. It wasn’t pretty & my poor husband had to watch this episode. In the past, I’ve had a moment of doubt here and there and I’d just call on the Lord or yell at the devil and I’d be fine. NOT THIS TIME!

Picture this (in my Sophia Petrillo voice)                                                                                  In Installment 3 of my blog, I talked about my ‘bright idea’ – where I tried to help the Lord out while I was waiting. One of the things I did was apply to my old school district (where the Lord delivered me from 2 years earlier). I submitted my application in May and it never became active and the position I applied for was removed. So I got the message, I wasn’t supposed to go back. Well… the Friday before ‘Meltdown Monday’ an email arrived congratulating me on my active application for a classroom teacher and the phone calls from principals started. I returned all the calls and set up 4 interviews. Fast forward to ‘Meltdown Monday’. As I was getting dressed for my 1st interview, I was standing in front of the mirror doing my hair, I looked at myself and I smirked and heard “You know YOU are doing this right, NOT ME!?” I walked briskly to my husband’s bathroom and hugged him. I started telling him what I was doing up so early.

Me:  “I have an interview at unnamed school.”

X: “You will finally be able to teach ‘little boy’ because he attends that school.”

Me: “Nooooo!”

X: “What do you mean no? He goes there.”

I let him go, he starts his morning ritual and I stand in the middle of the bathroom and begin to sob uncontrollably. 

Me: “I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO GO BACK THERE BUT I AM SCARED! I NEED A JOB! WE WON’T HAVE ANY MONEY!!!” I exit the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably, saying, “God did not give me the spirit of fear! Resist the devil and he will flee! God did not give me the spirit of fear! Resist the devil and he will flee! God did not give me the spirit of fear! Resist the devil and he will flee!” (About 20 times) I laid in the bed repeating it over and over and fell asleep. My husband woke me when he was leaving and prayed with me. 

This entire scenario took place over about 12 minutes. I was GRIPPED by fear and it was all because I wanted to be in control and I forgot to TRUST GOD!!! After all the reading and praying and singing and worshiping that I had been doing, I knew that I should have turned to God FIRST, but my mind took over, I wanted to move this process along. ‘Meltdown Monday’ could have taken me way longer to get through and I am thankful it only lasted that short amount of time (even though it felt like an eternity). So once again, I am releasing the reigns over my life and I am trusting in God’s promises for my life.

He is the leader and He is in control!

The proof of that is in his word…

Luke 12:22-26 “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.  Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.  Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

Who is in control of your life?

While I Wait…

When I first started my ‘Exploring the Possibilities’ journey,  I thought I was trying to find myself, my passion, my purpose. However, what I have been slowly realizing is that I am actually learning who I should be based on the word of God.  In blog entry one I stated, “I want to be a light that shines in this dark world. I want to actually APPLY all the things that are taught to us in God’s word.” This continues to be my daily focus. So let’s begin with how I have been waiting…

• Attending Sunday worship service
• Ushering at Sunday worship service
• Praying silently & aloud
• Reading: Fervent Prayer
• Writing down my prayers & answers to those prayers
• Rejoicing
• Reading: Scripture a Day
• Crying
• Reading: Bible App Plans & Devotionals
• Subscribed to career job boards (Indeed, Monster, Glassdoor)
• Filling out job applications
• Doubting
• Feeling unqualified
• Created a “Prayer Wall of Living”
• Attending War Room Bible Study
• Engaging in a 30 Day Challenge (2)
• Praising
• Feeling disgusted
• Watching TV (more than usual cause I am unemployeed)
• Unsubscribed to career job boards (Indeed, Monster, Glassdoor)
• Feeling aggravated
• Drinking more water
• Crying
• Exercising more
• Monitoring my food intake (the devil is busy)
• Fellowshipping with and encouraging others
• Journaling

I have been waiting…the majority of the days I am good! But somedays the enemy sneaks in and attempts to disrupt my peace. I get IN my feelings. But I truly see that the Bible is a living breathing document. When I go to it for comfort, it rejuvenates my spirit. It also convicts me, makes me rejoice, shocks me, makes me smile, and helps me. As I am exploring my new relationship with God, I am learning about what the word says about how I am supposed to behave. After reviewing my list, I think it is safe to say, I still have a ways to go (don’t we all). BUT…now that I know better, I will do better! I am working on my heart, my mind, my body and my spirit. I will continue to “Cast all MY anxiety in him because he cares for ME” (1 Peter5:7)  and trust divine order in my life (Mark 4:26-27). Whatever the plan is, I am open and ready to receive it, waiting…

What are your waiting behaviors?

Crisis

Are you in crisis? 

It has been suggested that I am having a midlife crisis. Well I am 46 years old and I guess that could be considered midlife these days! To me a crisis suggests something bad or negative and believe me when I tell you I don’t feel in any way, shape or form, bad. I decided to do some research on the topic.

Merriam-Webster.com defines crisis as “1) an emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person’s life; 2) a decisive moment; and 3) an unstable or critical time” (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/crisis). Dictionary.com defines crisis as “1) a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, especially for better or for worse, is determined; turning point; 2) a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person’s life” (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/crisis).

Well based on those definitions, I AM IN CRISIS! I made a decision to quit my job before I found another one and that has made my future appear unstable to the people around me. This decision will impact my future and it is a turning point for the rest of my life. Midlife crisis didn’t sit well with me. I felt offended – like what God told me to do was wrong or I couldn’t possibly have heard Him correctly (stupid enemy). I continued to feel a negative undercurrent with the term so I decided to look up antonyms of crisis. Thesaurus.com listed 16 antonyms for crisis. I have selected a few that describe my ‘crisis experience.’

Agreement: I am in totally agreement with God’s direction for my life and I have surrendered it all to him.

Benefit: I will reap the benefits of being obedient to His word and His will.

Blessing: What a blessing this journey has been to myself and to others. He continually blesses me and I am so thankful!

Calm, Happiness, Peace: I have a calm about me, I am content and I ooze happiness (people have actually commented on it when they see me). I am filled with peace that only God can provide. I purposefully seek peace, calm & joy daily through His word.

Certainty: I am certain that God will make a way – He knows all my needs, even before I ask.

As I sit back and reflect on my “crisis”,  I have decided to place my life before God.  Putting forth every effort to live Romans 12:1-2 daily as I walk this out. (“So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”)

Are you in crisis? 

My New View on Vision

Happy July Blog Peeps! I decided to wait a few days after my final day of work and see how I “felt” about my journey. I’m good…still peaceful!  I had one little “fear moment” on my way to church today. But I prayed, LOUDLY, to move past it.

What is God’s plan for your life?

What is your dream?  What is your vision for your life?

So the word vision has been popping up all over. Proverbs 29:18 ¹⁸ Where there is no vision, the people perish…”

When I was younger, my original take on vision was that I needed a plan for my life. The plan was as follows:

Graduate from high school   CHECK

Go to college CHECK

Get married CHECK (get divorced & never get married again)

Earn a master’s degree CHECK

Teach first grade CHECK

As time went on, I added – Earn a PhD CHECK

Get re-married  CHECK (not my plan – God’s plan & Thank you God, my husband rocks)

So when you check all the things off the checklist you’ve created …When you think you’ve attained your dream … fulfilled your vision … what happens next? 

I have spent many years helping others fulfill their dreams. I am the person behind the scenes making the magic happen. You have an idea…I can help you determine the steps to make it happen. I may even do the work with or for you. That’s one of my gifts. So in my mind, I felt like I fulfilled all my dreams. I went to school and went back to school and then went back to school again. I wanted to earn a PhD and I did.  What’s left for me to do? People keep asking – at least twice a day since I resigned in May – What are you going to do now? What will you do next?

‘What are you going to do?’ is a loaded question. It’s loaded because it is NO longer about me. It’s about what God wants me to do. It has taken me 46 years to allow God to have control of my life. I have been leading and now I want Him to take the lead. I want His will to be done. I have been praying that His will be done but this week I became terrified of that prayer. I had been thinking that if I surrendered to God, then the journey will be rainbows and butterflies (with a few obstacles). Then I read about Job! JESUS help me – that poor man!!! I was like…maybe I don’t mean have YOUR way! But I really do! My new take on vision is allowing God to use me and my life for His purpose. Not dictating and putting caveats on what He wants me to do or make deals with Him because what he says does not look the way I think it should. So I am leaning into the fear! I am moving through being afraid with prayer, gospel music and scriptures. When I have a “fear moment” I literally cry out to God and say EXACTLY what I am feeling, ask for forgiveness and then CLAIM the peace He says is already mine. This journey is happening and I am just along for the ride. I don’t know what it looks like in the future. I think if the plan was revealed to me all at once, I might lose my mind. I don’t know… but I do know that He has this all worked out. I know all things aren’t meant to be understood and I have a scripture to help me through this process. John 13:7  ⁷ Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

I invite you to check your lens…

Exploring the Possibilities

So I have been toying with the idea of writing a blog! So today I decided to stop toying and actually write a blog! This is my very first post.  (add applause here)

I titled this blog Exploring the Possibilities because that’s basically what I am doing. I have been in the process of transformation for about 3 years and God is doing something in my life. I am working on being still and listening to HIS voice and THEN being obedient to his word. My focus is on trusting God…that’s new for me. In the past, I only leaned on Him when all else failed. I did a really good job of sustaining things (for the most part) or so I thought. I prayed some and went to church periodically but my personal connection with God was missing, truly absent. How many people go to church weekly (sometimes twice a week) and don’t really LIVE God’s word? Hmmmm…I’d say many but I’m focusing on ME!! I want to be a light that shines in this dark world. I want to actually APPLY all the things that are taught to us in God’s word.

So this blog, Exploring the Possibilities, will be about my own personal journey through this thing called life (singing Prince in my head) as I lean and depend on God to guide me through all the possibilities in front of me.

My First Exploration…I quit my job

Buckle up and join me for the ride! Thank you for reading my first blog post.